Inside Me Are Two Wolves

Why Did I Think I Could Do This?

Last night, before I went to bed, I started trying to learn cross-stitching. I bought one of those beginner kits that’s got a pattern and everything you need, and as I sat there reading the instructions, I thought to myself, “Why did I think I could do this?” It’s not that the instructions were particularly complicated, but they were more extensive that I thought. And worse, they were new to me.

Growing up AMAB, learning “home crafts” wasn’t exactly emphasized. I did learn some cooking from my mum and sister, and I learned some sewing in Home Economics class in high school. In the same vein, though, I always wanted to learn crochet or knitting when I was young, but I was discouraged from learning that. “That’s for girls….” I was told. It wasn’t until my mid 20’s before I actually tried knitting, and even that required the assurance from my partners that they wouldn’t think less of me for trying. After many frustrating hours of playing with sticks and strings, I felt so defeated that I couldn’t figure it out. I could watch knitting videos on 0.25x speed, and still not understand what motions their hands were making that mine weren’t.

Wondering why I thought I could do something when I clearly couldn’t is, of course, the wrong way to think about things. I think I can because nearly anyone can! Plenty of people all over the country and all across the world are cross-stitching, and knitting, and crocheting right now! And if so many people of all walks of life can do it, then I certainly can.

I am Gay, So How Hard Could It Be.

Wise words by Marc Sebastian

The antithesis of “Why did I think I could do this?” is itself the answer to that very question. I am gay, so how hard could it be? For my non-queer readers out there (do I have non-queer readers?), don’t worry about that first part of the sentence. What matters here is the bullheadedness proclamation that “I am me. Therefore, I can do it.”

Like previously stated, there are so many people out there doing things. For any thing you want to do, there’s a good chance somebody has gone through it before, and if they could do, then you almost certainly can too. This unbridled positivity surely is a must to continue going in this crazy world.

I wish I had more to write on this, but this axiom is self-containing. It holds true simply because it has too. How hard could it be? Ultimately, it can’t be that hard.

The Catalyst

For the last couple weeks of May, I was not doing well mentally. I felt like I was going crazy. I had my first hospital-worthy anxiety attack, got into my first car accident (everyone was unharmed, thankfully), and just kept having expense after expense. I had to take several days off due to my mental health, but no amount of video games or YouTube made me feel better. If anything, they just made me feel worse when I stopped. One day I played one game for almost 9 hours straight. After finally stopping that night, I felt the worst I’ve felt in a long time.

I then got a bright idea in my head. What if these games, and videos about games, and Facebook, and Twitter were just making my mental state worse. It certainly is true that I can’t stand reading the news right now. There’s so much wrong in the world, but I just can’t do anything about it, so why must I feel this guilt? Why willingly subject myself to that torture?

To try and curb this abysmal feeling, I decided to go the month of June with as minimal of computer usage as possible. I’ve allowed myself the use of DVD’s, and an hour of normal TV via Hulu a day. Outside of that, I am still an IT director, so at work at least I need to be on the computer, but the rest of my time needs to be spent away from one.

As I began planning for this, a curious question came to mind; what am I going to do with all this free time? There certainly will be an excess of it when you’re not ceaselessly staring at a screen for 9 hours. I realized that I guess I’d finally have the time to try all these hobbies I’d been putting by the wayside. I could finally pay attention to knitting, and cross-stitching, and painting, and baking, and candle making, and rock tumbling, and actually cleaning my appointment.

A Time To Grow

I’m only three days into my period of Lent, and have already had some troubles dedicating myself to it due to outside circumstances. Regardless, I feel confident that going forward it will be easier. When I get home tonight, I will process some cherries I plucked from my mum’s cherry tree, and after that I’ll sit down and begin my cross-stitch.

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