I often find myself scared of existing. The way I see it, as long as I can be aware that I’m existing, then I can prove I’m still alive. Cognito ergo sum, and all that. But I’m not always aware that I’m existing. Some times I’ll be going about my day, and suddenly become aware that I wasn’t aware for the past couple hours. Where did I go during that time? I was still doing things. I was still processing information and performing tasks, but it’s almost like I was a different person. I was a mostly autonomous being doing what needed to be done. Once I become aware, though, I phase out of that person into someone else who has realized that I occupy this flesh bag, can never escape, and can never see from any other point of view.

To help with the anxiety, I’ve come to regard these two states as two Selves, the physical self and cognitive self. Generally, when recalling a memory, I’m recalling the physical self. I (my cognitive self) was there, but I’m not now. My physical self was also there, and feels more at home in those memories. It feels closer to reality to think of my physical self as having been there than my cognitive self. While both of my selves are here now as I type this, I’m definitely more in my cognitive self right now. I’m painfully aware that I’m an inpermanent thing trapped inside this body.

I wonder if this has to do with hyper reality? Hyper reality, as I understand it, is that concept that as technology has grown, it has been able to create scenarios that are real enough, or even more “real” than reality itself. For example, it’s not uncommon for me to refer to real time spans as “frames”, as in frames per second. “Did you see that guy fall down? He took a step and then a frame later he was on the ground!” Another common one for me is to measure real things, usually very small things, in terms of pixels. “Look at that bird over there. Dude’s just a pixel.” I think one of the reasons I like playing video games for hours on end is because it allows me to distract myself from the apparent disconnect between cognitive self and physical self. When I’m really immersed in a game, I can disregard the physical self, and really lock into that cognitive self. On the contrary, when I have to go run errands, that’s almost entirely the physical self doing everything.

This dichotomy between physical self and cognitive self is entirely arbitrary, but does still help me, I think.